Stinky Marmalade

"The sun is up, the sky is blue, and I've got no balls".

Credit for this genius goes to RueBrutalia.com

Responding to spam part 2: Bank of Africa approach Marusan to act as Dr George Brumley's next of kin.

Marusan approached by email could this be worth $5,600,000????........

From: m_mohammed02@hotmail.com

Subject: TREAT AS URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL.‏

Date: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 08:06:17 +0000

TREAT AS URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL.‏

From The Desk Of Mr Mohammed.

Bill And Exchange Manager

Bank Of Africa Ouagadougou-Burkina Faso.

Tel. 00226 **********.

Dear Friend,

I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA.I am writting to seek your coperation over this business deal.In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of $14million USD (Fourtheen Million United States Dollars) only, in an acount that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash that took place in Kenya,East Africa,the Late DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY,a citizen of Atlanta, United States of America but naturalised in Burkinafaso, West Africa and contractor with ECOWAS,(ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES) . Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because it cannot be releasedunless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased asindicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately, all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crashleaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that Inow decided to make this businness proposal to you and release the money to you via your foreign bank account as the next of kin or relation to thedeceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and this money Could go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill. The Banking law and guideline here stipulate that if such money remained unclaimed after 7 years, the money will be transfered into the Bank's treasury as unclaimed fund.The request for your assistance and maximumco-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was aforeigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

40 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner,in respect tothe provision of a foreign account. 5 % will be set aside for expencesincured during the business and 55 % would be for me.There after I will comeover to your country for disbursement accoding the percentages indicated.Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged,you must apply first to the bank as the relation or next of kin to the deceased,indicating your claims and wherein the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of application which you will fill and forward to the office of the foreign remittance director of the bank of africa. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is strictly confidential and i will use my position in this Bank to effect a hitch free transfer of the fund. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter on phone number: 00226 7805 4754. Trusting to hear from you immediately.

Please , visit the website below for more informations about the Plane Crash and the tragic death of the deceased and his entire family, Late DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY. http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html

Yours Faithfully,

Ibrahim Mohammed.

Marusans response to Ibrahim...................

From: marusanmuchickichicki@marmaland.com
To: mribrahimmusamohammed@hotmail.fr
Subject: RE: TREAT AS URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL.‏

Date: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 19:51:26 +0000

From The Desk of Marusan Mu Chicki Chicki

Psychic Marmalade Jar Reader Marmaland

London

England

Dear Friend,

Thank you for reaching out to me in these truly interesting times.

With the Late Dr Brumleys ECOWAS background and your location in Ouagadougou-Burkina Faso, I can see immediately why you would hand select me - Marusan Mu Chicki Chicki for an approach of this kind.

As you will know, several of my colleagues are of Burkinabe origin. It would be fair to say that they have been some of the best workers here in Marmaland. Most joined us in the late 1990's when after political lobbying, Robertson's made mass redundancies from a special wing of their marketing department.

Despite my unusual name I am a British citizen hailing from Bury St Edmonds. And the one thing in life that you can be absolutely sure of, is my maximum co-operation in this matter - your 40% offer is more than generous (to be honest you had me from 'Dear Friend').

Email me the text of application as soon as very possible, I will fill this in with all of my personal details and send it straight to the foreign remittance director for the Bank of Africa.

As soon as I have done this I will call you to finalise the arrangements.

Many thanks for contacting me - you chose wisely

Marusan

Back to Marmaland

http://www.marmaland.com/

Responding to spam part 1: Marmalord wins Brockley lottery

Marmalord receives some life-changing news by email......

Date: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:09:23 -0400
From: emilyprodinc@cox.net
Subject: ESTEEMED WINNER!

Your email address as indicated was drawn and attached with serial numbers FTS/8070337201/06 and drew the lucky numbers 15-22-24-48-50-37(30) which subsequently won you
1,000,000.00 (One Million Great Britain Pounds) from the U.K FREE PROMO
The draws registered as Draw number one was conducted in Brockley,London United Kingdom on the 19th march 2009.
Find below the details of the Claims Agent and contact him with the following details for verifications.

FULLNAME,.FULLADDRESS,.NATIONALITY,. AGE,.OCCUPATION,.MOBILE/TELEPHONE> NUMBER,.DATE OFWINNING AWARD, . SEX,.TOTALAMOUNT WON,.SERIAL/LUCKY NUMBERS.> >

NAME: Mr Thomas Andrew (Claims Agent)
MAIL: thomasandrew121@msn.com

Thanks,
Mrs. Rita Shawn
UK Promo Announcer

Excitement contained and response sent....................

From: marmalord@marmaland.com
To: thomasandrew121@msn.comSubject:
RE: ESTEEMED WINNER!Date:
Mon, 23 Mar 2009

Dear Mr Thomas Andrew

Your colleague, the UK Promo announcer Rita Shawn delivered some amazing news over the weekend.
As the Marmlord - Ruler of Marmaland, ultimately I feel responsible for the well being of all of our 'residents'.

The very small, little known London Borough of Marmaland and 'my people' are by no means credit crunch proof.
In recent months my good friend and museum Curator Mr Jones has had to reign back his purchasing of marmalade related advertising wares - finding that he was increasingly out bid by Japanese ebayers armed with the mighty Yen and an appetite for Kitchenalia.

My other colleague Marusan Mu Chicki Chicki has been saving for some vital confidence boosting cosmetic surgery since 2003.

I am just trying to paint a picture of how much a positive impact that my winning of your Brockley based, email address driven internet lottery draw will have on lives of me, my friends and my family.

I never dreamt that I would actually own a Porsche Cayenne Turbo with orange wheels, but this very weekend I rushed out and placed a cash deposit on said dream car.

Extravagant purchase I know, but having been self indulgent with the Porsche. I now intend to really do some good with the remaining £900k.

All this has been made possible by you the good people UK FREE PROMO. Thank you all so very much!!

Below you will find the details requested by the lovely Rita - just let me know if you need anything else like my bank details to make payment etc.

Regards
Marmalord
marmalord@marmaland.com

FULLNAME = The Marmalord
FULLADDRESS = Penthouse suite, Keiller Towers, 32 Chivers Streets, Hartleysville, Marmaland Mk21 8pd
NATIONALITY = Dual citizenship of Marmaland and England

AGE = the equivilent of 33 earth years
OCCUPATION = Time travelling superhero & Ruler of Marmaland
MOBILE/TELEPHONE NUMBER **************

DATE OFWINNING AWARD = 19th March 2009 (a Thursday in Brockley)
SEX = Male
TOTALAMOUNT WON = £1,000,000
SERIAL/LUCKY NUMBERS = FTS/8070337201/06 - 15-22-24-48-50-37(30)

Back to Marmaland

http://www.marmaland.com/

Richard Duerr's social media reclaim Paddington campaign

Richard Duerr on Marmite stealing Paddington 'We thought it was a bit ludicrous'

Would you like to see some slightly out of focus photo's of marmalade pots on a purple pillow case?

Two Ronnies - The Arab & the Gollywog.

Plaxtol 'Village People' have some local marmalade fun.

There is a Village in Kent called Plaxtol - it sits somewhere between 'the arse-end of Kent' and 'Kent the garden of England' (or between Sevenoaks & Maidstone if you like).

Every year they have a marmalade making competition, or at least they have since the former owners of Plaxtol Village Stores (Sandy Oram and Sub-postmistress Gerry Weston) started the event in 2001.

This year, it fell to new owners of the village store - Alpesh & Keyna Patel to judge the 17 entries.

The clearly very bright and numeric Mr Alpesh Patel, apparently said to someone from the Kent & Sussex Courier "We had 17 entries, so that was 17 marmalade's I had to taste".

Well done Alpesh - and well done to this years winner Donald Forbes too.

He is the first man to take the Plaxtol marmalade crown, and now has the burden of deciding which local charity gets the £17 entry fees. People of Plaxtol we salute you.
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Do you want to see a man with a really big nose perform psychic marmalade jar readings?

Marmalade ambassador returned by his 'abusers'.

On the 13th September 2007 - we reported sad news. It was that very Thursday night when the first Marmite funded televised raping of Paddington bear was aired to a largely appalled nation.

(Disclaimer: No Unilever employees actually raped a bear, we are referring to the Paddington experiments with Marmite advertising campaign).

On that terrible day marmalade lost it's ambassador, but now it would appear that after some 18 months of abuse - these 'marmite flavoured terrorists' have decided to return our 'soiled hero'.

We have of course campaigned tirelessly for his release, and we are by no means a lone voice.
But it looks like James Quilter of BrandRepublic.com had the pleasure of breaking the happy news on the 4th March.

We are obviously pleased, but but we save our delight for a time when we actually see a marmalade sandwich back in his furry hand - and witness life returning to his 'cold dead eyes'.

Will a marmalade manufacturer now step up, and move into the slipstream of the shrewd marmite marketeers?

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Put that pot of marmite down and get your hairy arse back to Marmaland immediately.

Croydon Guardian speaks to Marmaland Curator (and the dead).

Obviously picking up on his quote in the Mail on Sunday one of our local papers spoke with the 'human face' of Marmaland - Museum Curator Steve Jones.

Looking to support him in his war against 'Orange Jam' the Croydon Guardian rushed to his aid.

Sadly there was evidence of the rushing, as not only did they attribute one of his quotes to Frank Cooper (A Victorian Marmalade manufacturer of note who died in 1927) they also called Marmalade 'the Jam' twice.

I have asked Jones to deal with it immediately. Otherwise I, the Marmalord Ruler of Marmaland will be taking the matter in hand myself.

Back to Marmaland www.marmaland.com

Fanny's Famous Marmalade Festival 2008

Mr Jones's (Museum Curator) quote in last weeks Mail on Sunday has led to some 'interesting' correspondence finding its way to Marmaland HQ.

One of the more welcomed knocks on our inbox came from a gentleman in Reigate who kindly put Fanny Maiklem and her farm shop in Merstham back on our radar.

Well known in the area, Fanny who prides herself on making the best marmalade in Surrey has launched a 'Festival of Marmalade'. And this, its second year Fanny was delighted to received 69 entries for her marmalade making competition.

We went to visit Fanny and her daughter Nellie on the day that the results of her marmalade awards were announced, the shop was a hive of activity packed full of all sorts of fantastic looking foods.

We tasted some of Fanny's Pork & Marmalade sausages which were excellent.

Despite her 'interesting sausage angle' - Fanny is a woman who clearly appreciates a traditional marmalade, so we wait with baited breath for a suitable Sunday morning to sample our jar of Seville Marmalade made by her own fair hand.
(ingredients: 33% Seville Oranges, 33% Sugar, 33% Water & 1%............. 'Fanny Magic')

Fanny has run Fanny's Farm Foods in Merstham since 1979, and in more recent years with the help of her florist daughter Nellie she has diversified the business. A major development was the addition of the tree-top tea room which can be hired for private 'high tea experiences'.

For more info visit Fanny's Farm Shop

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Want to read some marmalade facts?
(this information is no way endorsed by either Jack Klugman or Quincy M. E.)

"This is not a solution. It is a perversion" Mail on Sunday 1st March 2009

In today's Mail on Sunday Jonathan Petre has opened the 'Orange Jam Gate' debate to a wider forum.


This will hopefully give us a measure of public opinion too - as his piece which quoted Marmaland Curator Steve Jones was also published on the Daily Mail web site (link below).

Will Mail on Sunday readers agree with our view that 'Orange Jam' is for perverts? or are they more likely to support the 'Hobbit Chef' and his force-feed the children approach?

Only time and moderated comment will tell...............
Have your say here!

Disclaimer: We have no proof that Antony Worrall Tompson is really a Hobbit, any likeness to characters in J.R.R. Tolkien's books or Peter Jackson's film adaptations is purely coincidental.

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Would it please you to know how to make Minneola and ugly fruit marmalade?