Sunday 16 December 2007

Michael Cain Speads Marmalade Myth.


Within the hour on Michael Parkinson's final talk show, highly respected oscar winning actor Michael Cain spoke of his wide ranging knowledge of obscure facts.


When the rambling Parkie asked for an example, he proceeded to spread the myth that the word marmalade derived from servants caring for Mary Queen of Scots in times of great illness.


'Not a lot of people know that'. No Michael, they don't - because it is not true.
I am a fan of your work, but spreading this prime-time falsehood has put you in the Marmlord's bad books.
You are a big man but you are out of shape......................




Tuesday 2 October 2007

Paddington's Marmalade fight-back in the global war on Marmite.


In the early hours of this morning news reached Marmaland of a 'fight back'.......


Carlos Michelsen sent some very interesting news from Peru, a company called Andersons Food Peru S.A.C. (http://www.paddingtonbearperu.com/) will attempt to reposition Marmalade as the preserve of choice for Paddington.

This will be done from Paddington's homeland where Andersons Food have recently signed a contract to produce the famous Bear's marmalade according to his original recipe in Peru. The company already has plans to export to the USA and Canada.

This will be the first ever Paddington Bear Marmalade to formally be produced in Peru, and Carlos who is is in charge of International Marketing has promised that the first batch will be sent here to Marmaland.

The war with Marmite is global, but here on the homefront the Marmalord is taking his issues to the agency behind the recent hijacking of Paddington. It appears that advertising agency DDB London are responsible. And Chief Executive Stephen Woodford stephen.woodford@ddblondon.com can expect an initial letter from the Marmalord in the next couple of days - expect an update soon, and feel free to drop Mr Woodford an email if you wish to share your views.


Thursday 13 September 2007

Marmite Rape Paddington Bear.



Tonight the world will see Paddington Bear animated on our screens for the first time in 20 years.




However, instead of marmalade manufacturers making the obvious decision to bring back Michael Bonds Peruvian bear themselves, which would no doubt have helped bolster flagging marmalade sales with a younger audience (81% of marmalade consumption from a demographic of 45+) - they have instead allowed him to be pillaged by Marmite.


Not only is this a missed opportunity for promoters of marmalade, fans of the bear himself have been weak to allow this.


Karen Jankel, of Paddington and Company Ltd claims....


"There certainly were reservations until we realised the idea behind it - Paddington trying something different. The thought of Paddington changing to Marmite would be wrong because he's so wedded to marmalade and will continue to be so.
"But Paddington is always interested in trying new things and that's why he gets into the scrapes he does."


So it seems that Karen's defence is 'Paddington is always interested in trying new things that's why he gets into scrapes'. Are we seriously expected to believe that Paddington, after twenty years in the stop-frame animation wilderness suddenly fancied trying something new and went with selling his sole for a big fat cheque from Unilever?


I don't want to make too much of this until I have had time to see the advert for myself, take stock of the situation and come up with some sort of response strategy - but I assure you there will be response.


And if you are the overpaid, sun-dried tomato eating, loser who sat crossed legged on a bean bag in the creative department of whatever ad agency thought this crock of shit up, then be warned.........

The Marmalord is coming for you.


Saturday 23 June 2007

Marmalord recruits side-kick


With the MarmaLada just a few weeks from being on the road, the Marmalord decided now was the time to get his 'Robin'.
Looking like a cross between an eighties wrestler and a Fathers for Justice campaigner, here is a 'first look' at the man they call..............The Marma-lad.

'Spreading' the word - Epsom Derby 2007








July 2007, Epsom Derby.

A rare day away from the war against the Lemon Curds.

Monday 12 March 2007

P Kolvin Donation - Marmalade pot funds MarmaLada.




Here in Marmaland, Museum Curator Mr Jones is not usually a man to part with his pots, but recently a Mr P Kolvin made him an offer that he simply could not refuse.

Having missed out to Jones in a recent Ebay auction for a rare 7lb Keillers pot, Mr Kolvin was still extremely keen to get his hands on the jar as it was the same as a pot his wife had once owned and loved.

It is thought that Mrs Kolvin’s pot was smashed some time ago, in a freak yachting accident off of the coast of Spain.

So determined was Kolvin to put his wife’s ongoing marmalade jar nightmares to bed, and having been impressed with what he had seen of the Worlds First Museum of Marmalade, he made an offer of a sizeable donation to assist the ongoing funding of the Museum and to secure the pot as a Mothers Day gift for Mrs Kolvin.

His offer was both generous, and accepted.
On securing the pot Mr Kolvin said "You are obviously unique people. I am glad that the cash injection will do some good. I would only have blown it on some inferior product, like jam".

So what does this unexpected cash injection mean for Marmaland? More pots, more old advertisements?

No, more important than that - The Marmalord needs transportation. What good is a superhero without a suitable vehicle?

So with Mr Kolvin’s donation, over the next few months we will be ‘pimping the Marmalord’s ride’.

Our starting point is the old Lada Riva E (pictured above) and some orange and black paint, but when we finish we will have the MarmaLada!

Watch this space for ‘Pimping’ progress reports…………………..

Thursday 15 February 2007

Exciting News - World's First Festival of Marmalade


It seems that this weekend will see the worlds first Festival of Marmalade...


Sunday 18th February 2007 is the date, and Dalemain Historic House & Gardens is the venue.

Question: Whats going on at this Marmalade Festival then?

Answer: A food fair, cooking demonstrations, a marmalade making competition and c'elebrity marmalade'.


'Celebrity Marmalade'! All of a sudden a fairly obvious list of activities is joined by a far more exciting cousin...... What on earth is celebrity marmalade all about?
Can we cover 'D list celebs' in sticky orange marmalade and watch them eat it off of each other in the quickest possible time?

No, sadly its just a chance to see International fashion and portrait photographer John Swannell make some marmalade - disappointing. (that's John in the picture above preparing to go into his marmalade making frenzy) .

The Marmalord contacted the people behind the festival to find out a little more, but his email was ignored by the organisers.

For more information visit…………… http://www.marmaladefestival.com/

Marmalord Spotted at London Bike Show..




On Thursday the 4th Feb 2007, despite the ongoing war with the 'Lemon Curds' our fearless leader 'the Marmalord' found time to visit a London based motorcycle show.


Seen here (looking slightly camp) on an orange Harley Davidson, you would be forgiven for thinking that the February outing was purely a pleasure trip. However there was a serious issue to deal with, battlefield rumours had led the Marmalord to believe that the Lemon Curds had recruited a team to implement an evil kidnap plot.


Going under the name of KTM (believed to stand for... Kidnap The Marmalord) these people were thought to represent a real threat to Marmaland. I can however report that following the Marmalord's interrogation of the KTM operation minds can be put at rest.


It turns out that KTM actually make rather foxy orange and black motorcycles, the KTM stands for Kronreif Trunkenpolz Mattighofen, and as you can see from the top picture, these KTM people are a harmless bunch.


Thursday 18 January 2007

BRIT Award Nominee to Endorse Marmalade?

Rumours have reached Marmaland that a leading marmalade manufacturer is considering approaching soul singer Lemar Obiki with a sponsorship offer.

It is thought that the deal would see 27 year old Lemar become the 'face' of a new product launch in the preserve market.

It is not known if Lemar, who got his big break after he was runner up in BBC reality TV programme Fame Academy in 2002 has already been approached with the deal.

But our source tells us that the London based PR team who pitched the idea in December are confident that Obiki can bolster flagging marmalade sales by reaching a younger audience.

Excited by the idea and the prospect of Lemar-malade, the Marmalord decided to ask Lemar directly via his web site.

We await Lemar's response................................

Friday 12 January 2007

2006 Marmalade sales are down....






It's no great surprise here in Marmaland, but marmalade sales have dropped by 4.4 per cent to £53.9 million in the year to November 2006, according to figures from the market analysts TNS.




That equates to about 441,000 households stopping buying marmalade during the period, on a positive that does leave over 10 million households are still buying our preserve of choice. By contrast, sales of honey rose by 5.7 per cent to £66.9 million and jam by 1.4 per cent to £88.3 million.

What does this mean? Well the figure that is of most interest to us is that 81% of people eating marmalade are over 45 years old. Youngsters are just not buying into marmalade and the manufacturer's seem unable to come up with a solution to this.

Essentially we put a lot of it down to a turf war between Winne The Pooh and Paddington Bear - and sadly Paddington, with his cold, hard stare seems not to have turned up yet.

With a recent returns from Rhubarb and Custard, Noddy and with the ever present Pooh pushing his sweet Honey to the kiddies, surely a return of Michael Bond's genius Peruvian bear would help marmalade's cause - we are pretty sure he would kick Winnie's ass!

And if marmalade manufacturers want some tips to reach that all important 19 - 39 age bracket, then they should drop the Marmalord an email on marmalord@marmaland.com


Thursday 4 January 2007

Marmalade 31 ways to serve.


What did the Americans do with Marmalade in 1919?
(It's that question that we have all been asking!)
A recent ebay discovery by Mr Jones has seen this 88 year old booklet published by American marmalade manufacturer Sunkist wing its way to Marmaland form the states.
The publication gives an insight to what our friends across the pond were doing with marmalade in the early 1900's, and stars a lady called Alice Bradley who shares her 31 favourite ways to serve marmalade. Some of them seem a little odd now, and over the coming months we promise share the best with you.
Interested in finding out more about Alice?
Alice Bradley Biography:

Alice was born on June 28, 1875, in Bradford, Massachusetts.
She started her culinary career performing cooking demonstrations with Janet McKenzie Hill, who in 1896 became editor of American Cookery, the magazine of the Boston Cooking School (BCS).
Alice went on to attend the BCS, where the fabulously named Fannie Merritt Farmer was director; she and other students tested recipes for Farmer's new book, The Boston Cooking School Cook Book, which became famous for its novel use of precise, level measurements of ingredients. Both Alice and Fannie were thought to be real sticklers for precision.

In 1897 AB was graduated from the BCS; she then taught in Montreal and Ottawa for 3 years.
In 1902 Fannie opened Miss Fannie Merritt Farmer's School of Cookery (MFSC). Fannie and Alice were pretty tight so she invited her old chum Alice to teach there.
The school used two teaching methods: the demonstration lecture, and laboratory work done in small groups in kitchen/classrooms. AB taught at the school for nine years, and then taught at the New York School of Cookery for two.
When Fannie died in 1915, Alice bought MFSC from Fannies sister Cora Dexter Perkins, and became its principal.
The curriculum included proper methods of serving food in formal settings, which was practical training for those who wanted to open tearooms or restaurants.

In 1916 Alice became cooking editor for The Woman's Home Companion, a post she held for twenty years. Her talents were sought by government and private industry: during World War I she was employed by the US Food Administration as consultant and by the Drexel Institute in Philadelphia as the head of its Nutrition Department - it is thought that it is here where Alice's interest in marmalade grew.
By the end of the war she was writing cook books and manuals of her own, rather than for the government; AB wrote more than ten books in 26 years.
In 1925 and 1926 she went on a culinary lecture tour of the United States and Europe. In later Years she also ran a "radio school" of cookery, had her own newspaper column, and contributed articles to other newspapers and magazines.

Alice retired as principal of MFSC in 1944 and sold the school to Dr. Dana Wallace.
Alice died on November 28, 1946.
Sadly Alice never married, some believe that she chose to dedicate her life to food and that this dedication never left room for a man in her life - others simply feel that she was probably a rampant, comfy shoe wearing, carpet munching lesbian.